


Karma Police

by BooksXandXrainbows



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (again), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Disagreements, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Fighting, Fluff and Angst, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, M/M, Musician Alec Lightwood, Musician Magnus Bane, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Slow Burn, Sort Of, band au, its complicated, therell be a lot of fighting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 11:35:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13270620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksXandXrainbows/pseuds/BooksXandXrainbows
Summary: When Alec Lightwood, former guitarist of the band Silent City, runs into his former band mates, one thing leads to another and suddenly he has to spend more time with them, record a new album and even go on tour with them.All that wouldn't be that much of a problem if it weren't for the nothing but dramatic and hostile split-up caused by many fights and disagreements, years ago.Long forgotten emotions bubble up again and clearly drama is about to ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is utterly self-indulgent since I'm a sucker for band AUs and anything of that kind. Also, Magnus reminds me a bit of Brendon Urie and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to make use of that? This story is kind of but not really inspired by ryden (just the band "break-up" and rumours) and uhm yeah. 
> 
> I also want to say that if you, by any chance, are waiting for an update for my other fic 'one step at a time they say' please know it's coming and I'm sorry for letting you wait for so long!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I have absolutely no idea how the music business works so please forgive me for any mistakes being made along the way.
> 
> I apologise for any mistakes that were made and the commas that I undoubtedly misused. I hope you can enjoy the story despite all that.

The club is crowded, some people dancing to the upbeat electronic music blasting from the speakers, while other people stand in smaller groups, talking avidly about whatever. They all seem to enjoy the party - as one should.

 

Alec wishes he could be one of those people - dancing freely with no care in the world - but he does so from the corner he's hiding at with his beer bottle in hand. Sadly, the alcohol takes its time to set in. And so he is left with all his anxieties regarding this very party.  

 

First he hadn't even considered going. But it was Simon's party. Simon's party with a very special occasion. And since Simon is practically part of the family Alec couldn't just not go.

 

Silently, Alec curses Izzy for having to fly out to Boston in a hurry the other day. He understands that she left for an emergency, she wouldn't have left her boyfriend of three years on his own on one of his biggest nights of his life. It's just that now he has to deal with all the familiar faces from the past on his own.

 

He's not even that close to Simon any more, sure Simon is in a relationship with Izzy and they meet every once in a while - mostly on holidays and, on very rare occasions on some old friend's wedding -  but that doesn't mean that it isn't awkward. At least the first hour, until they warm up to each other again. It always takes some time, just as it does now.

 

Alec has seen most of the faces of the attending guests before. Some belong to celebrated upcoming musicians that Alec only knows from various covers of magazines, while others belong to people Alec has known for a long time but got out of touch with. They're all part of the big music business, some of them veterans, some still going strong.

 

If Alec had to categorise himself he'd put himself into the veteran box.

 

He's still writing and publishing putting albums out there but they hardly go noticed any more, at least not like they used to when it was still him and the others together. As a band.

 

Alec stands there, watching all the other guests and sipping on his bottle, lost in his anxiety induced thoughts when one particular person emerges through the crowd. He walks like he owns the room (which, Alec has no doubt in that, he does), looking as flawless as ever. His hair is gelled up, his eyes rimmed with kohl. And Alec is almost certain that he recognises the dark blue, well fitted jacket that he wears with nothing underneath but a multitude of necklaces dangling over his smooth skin, reaching down to his belly button.

 

Alec gulps heavily. He hadn't thought, when he'd gotten here, that it would be time that early to bring out the harder stuff. Beer doesn't do it for him any more.

 

There's a pang in his chest and suddenly he's overcome with thousand memories playing through his mind, all at the same time.

 

Yep. It's definitely time to break out the whisky.

 

Alec waits until Magnus retreats back to where ever he came from before he makes his way to the open bar, careful not to bump into anyone he is even hardly familiar with. Of course he'd said hello and congratulated Simon when he first got here. But that is about all he has done regarding social interaction so far.

 

With his whiskey in hand he's about to return to the corner he has claimed his earlier that night when he bumps into Maia, a face he hasn't seen in ages. Her smile is wide and genuine as she looks up to him. Alec only manages a shy one.

 

Maia and Simon are close, once they used to be a thing. That was back when they still were a band with multiple platinum albums. Alec doesn't quite remember how they broke up but since Maia is here today it seems to have happened amicably.

 

"Alec!" She exclaims, her voice fighting against the loud music. "I didn't know you were coming." He feels Maia's eyes travelling up and down on him as she takes in his appearance, his shoulders tensing ever so slightly under her gaze.

 

"It's been ages. How have you been doing?" She locks eyes with Alec again, sincere interest evident in her voice.

 

Alec would love to answer that everything has been going pretty great for him, with his career taking off and everything. But that would be a lie. And Alec hates lying, it doesn't help that he's not very good at it as well. So instead he shrugs his shoulders. 

 

"You know, I've been travelling a bit, made some music and uhm -" he trails off, his eyes having found something, or someone, far more breath-taking to lock on to.

 

Magnus. 

 

As the night has progressed people are already starting to get beyond tipsy, their movements on the dance floor becoming more careless and somewhat less controlled. The crowd is going wild to one of Simon's new songs which are featured on the new album that has been launched today - it's this party's sole purpose - and Magnus is dancing amidst them.

 

All Alec can do is stare and get lost in the fluid movement, the flawless way Magnus navigates his body between all the other people. He catches the content smile on Magnus' lips, he's completely caught in the moment, the only thing that matters is the rhythm and his body becoming one.

 

At least that is what Alec assumes Magnus must be  feeling right now. That is what he had told Alec all those years ago when he'd taught Alec to loosen up a little, to dance with him. 

 

Alec's stomach churns and the pang in his chest is back again. Forcefully, he returns his attention back to Maia who has undoubtedly caught him losing all his attention to Magnus.

 

She doesn't comment on it however, probably because too much has happened between him and Magnus to even make a harmless joke about it. About them being at the same place at the same time after years of not talking at all.

 

Instead of a remark, Maia grins and asks about his travels. He gives her a short summary of his time in Europe but it's obvious that he isn't in the mood for talking.

 

She lets him go eventually, but not without leaving her number with him and having him promise to call some time soon. 

 

Alec has almost reached his private little corner when Simon spots him from somewhere out of the crowd and tugs on his sleeve, urging him to follow him. Alec does so reluctantly. 

 

Simon leads Alec to what Alec assumes to be the VIP area for it is less crowded and the seats it is furnished with look far more comfortable than the minimalistic bar stools for the common folk.

 

Alec glances around, recognising Luke, Simon's (and his former)  manager, and all kinds of important people he immediately associates with the record label. On one of the couches in the back he finds Raphael. And -

 

Oh. 

 

Oh shit. 

 

Alec blanches while he is simultaneously choking on a sip of whiskey he took at the wrong moment. 

 

Magnus is staring right back at him, lounging on the couch right next to some other guests Alec doesn't know. Unlike Alec, Magnus doesn't give any kind of emotion away. He just stares, one eyebrow raised.

 

Alec can't be here. He has all but looked at Magnus and he can already feel his blood boil. Yes,  he'd watched Magnus dance earlier but it had gone unnoticed (safe for Maia) and Magnus' reaction hadn't been this infuriatingly arrogant. But it's not only anger that Alec struggles with. There is pain also.

 

They aren't exactly on speaking terms and things had gotten pretty ugly between them. Granted, Magnus hadn't been the only one at fault here.  But he most certainly had made things worse between them.

 

Alec can't even remember their fights any more. All he knows is that they'd been small, almost unnecessary at first. But he still remembers their big fall out. The one fight that had caused their band's nasty split-up. It had been all over the tabloids, reporters jumping the story like vultures, making it even harder for Alec to cope with the recent loss of not only his career but also friends he had once called his closest.

 

Simon seems to be oblivious to Alec's inner turmoil and pulls him closer into the room, rambling excitedly about how great it is that 'the whole gang is back together now'. Alec just gives him a tight lipped smile, hoping Simon can see his discomfort at the mere idea of being so close to Magnus again.

 

But this is Simon and as goodhearted he might be, he's also blind to the tension between Magnus and him, he has always been. Alec wonders if there's any chance for him to get another drink before he has to face everyone else in the room. And with everyone else Alec means basically Magnus. Because he is all Alec can think about at the moment.

 

Alec still feels Magnus' eyes on him and not for the first time that night Alec wishes himself to be invisible.

 

Simon leads him over to the sitting area, far too close to Magnus. Simon throws himself into the cushions right next to Magnus, leaving Alec no other choice but to play along and sit down opposite to them, his jaw clenched.

 

He can't just outright ignore Magnus, can he? That would be childish and he is anything but. The least he can do is acknowledge Magnus' existence. So, he does exactly that with a tight clipped nod, lips set in a firm line.

 

"Lightwood." Magnus' voice is ice cold, laced with nothing but pure hatred. At least the feeling is mutual. Well, it's not really hatred Alec feels for the other man. But it isn't anything friendly either.

 

"Bane." Alec is pleased with his tone matching Magnus', at least he has that going for him. Though it doesn't help with the awkward silence that follows, leaving Simon visibly struggling with breaking it. His attempts, however fall flat since neither Magnus nor Alec make an effort to engage in whatever conversation he tries to start.

 

While Simon gushes about 'the good old days' Alec is having trouble with keeping his emotions at bay. Of course he misses the old times, where Magnus and him where so close that no one could stop the rumours of them being in a romantic relationship from spreading.

 

They had spend many nights talking on the phone, their conversations ranging from light-hearted talks about the best pizza joint in New York to deep ones where they discussed the meaning of life. They'd shared many joyful moments, like their first album release party where - now that Alec thinks about it - the rumours about them had rooted from since they'd disappeared for a good amount of two hours, only to get something decent to eat. Apparently their absence had looked very different to all guests (even Simon and Raphael) and the few journalists that had come out to write about the band that gained popularity faster than expected.

 

Thinking about those times makes the pain in his chest sting even worse. The realisation of Magnus, Simon and Raphael having somewhat reconnected after all that had happened (why else would they lounge in the VIP area together?) while Alec still speaks to only Simon on occasion doesn't help to ease the pain either. Alec gets that it's partly his fault since he had shut himself off completely. And he kind of expected them to at least be friendly with each other but seeing them now all together, getting along without him leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

 

The way Simon talks and holds himself makes it rather obvious that before he dragged Alec up here, the atmosphere had been light and carefree, matching the rest of the party. But now it's tense and barely bearable.

 

"Simon," Alec silently curses as his voice comes out far too strangled, "I think it's time for me to head home, it's been a long day. But uhm, thanks for the invite."

 

Alec pushes himself out of the cushions when Magnus sneers, rolling his eyes, "of course." Alec tries hard to ignore it but the harshness of Magnus' voice sends yet another pang through his chest. He tries not to let it show - the last thing he wants is for Magnus to see how he is getting to him. Instead, he just sends a glare over Simon's shoulder, who has one arm slung awkwardly over Alec's shoulder in, at least Alec presumes it to be, an attempt to hug him good-bye.

 

 

Alec's never been much of hugger, he only ever made an exception for his siblings. And Alec is pretty sure Simon is very aware of that, with having known Alec since college and all that.

 

With a clap on the back, he wiggles himself out of Simon's hold, congratulates him on his album release again and finally is able to leave the dreaded party behind. However, as he pushes his way through the crowd to escape this hell, Alec freezes in his spot as the intro to a of a painfully familiar song blasts through the speakers, ripping right through his ear (and heart), reopening all the wounds he had once thought to be healed, in a matter of seconds. It comes unexpected, like a punch to his stomach, knocking all air out of his lungs, the pain spreading through his chest while simultaneously crushing his heart.

 

The song is different from all the others they had played all night, it's not electronic for one. It's slow, but not too slow to keep the crowd from going. The guitar solo the song starts with is one Alec could still play in his sleep, despite not having played the song in literal ages.

 

With a shake of his head, he comes back to himself and unfreezes, knowing that he needs to get out of here even more now. His heart is thrumming against his ribcage, threatening to jump out.

 

And then there is that voice. Its effect on Alec is infinitely worse than the instruments that are already ripping through his very soul. It's a voice that once used to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, a voice that sounds so different from the one he had heard today. The one that spoke so coldly to him.

 

It hurts.

 

The realisation of having lost the one person who promised to be always there with him, no matter what, hits hard and leaves him struggling for air.

 

Somehow Alec ends up outside the club, the pain in his chest not having subdued yet. Why had he thought going to that party would do anything good for him?

 

 

Five minutes later, Alec is sitting in the back-seat of a cab, his mind tormenting him with memories that once used to fill him with pride and fondness for the other men.

 

But it aren't just the moments filled with laughter that make Alec's heart swell uncomfortably. The three men used to be the people Alec could lean on when times were rough, Magnus being the first one to offer his support without ever asking for anything in return. Together, they had gone through thick and thin.

 

Some time ago, he'd been able to look back on their time filled with consolation, comfort and laughter with a smile on his face and warmth settling over his body, like a blanket.

 

 Now they're just leaving a bitter taste in his mouth with the wish of being able to travel back in time to prevent everything that had gone wrong from happening. If that were even possible. Alec doesn't know exactly know where it all went wrong. 

 

Of course there had been the many disagreements from early on. But in the end they had always found something that they all could disagree on. And then there were the many speculations from not only the fans but also the tabloids, making the pressure Alec was already putting on himself even harder to bear. And then the fights, only fuelled by them always being around each other - be it on tour or back at home, and in the studio. The big fall out had eventually come with _that_ fight that had driven them all apart. Well, apparently it's only Alec who is apart from them now since they all seem to have made up.

 

The realisation comes and it's like pouring a gallon of salt over an opened wound, stinging uncontrollably.

 

 

Back in his apartment, Alec makes a beeline for his liquor cart, pouring single malt into a tumbler, throwing the liquid down his throat right away. What the hell was he thinking when he decided to go? Did he expect they'd all just forget everything, hold hands and sing _Kumbaya_ together? Well, Simon and Magnus actually kind of did. Raphael he doesn't know about.

 

He pours another glass if whiskey and punches Izzy's number into his phone. It's not her fault, of course, that everything has fallen apart and stayed that way. But she is the reason Alec went to that party in the first place. All because she wasn't able to go.

 

The phone rings twice before Izzy answers, her voice heavy with sleep. She only has time to say his name before Alec starts, half yelling, to recount the events of the night, growing angrier with every second he has to think about that smug grin on Magnus' face. Izzy remains silent throughout the entire ordeal, not interrupting once.

 

"You done?" She asks, once he runs out of words to complain about Magnus' overall childish behaviour and ways to blame her for making him go. He doesn't answer, just blows air out of his nose.

 

"Don't you think it's time you two finally made up? Isn't that little feud between you becoming a little old now?" Alec wants to interject but Izzy doesn't let him. "You don't have to go back to how things used to be but at least try to be civil with each other? It can't be that hard."

 

"I'm going to hang up now. Thanks, bye." Alec scoffs and throws his phone on the counter that divides the open kitchen from the spacious living room.  With the tumbler and whiskey bottle in hand he slumps down on the black leather sofa, deciding that it's best to drown out his sorrows with lots of alcohol and Gordon Ramsay yelling at incompetent people.

 

 

Alec wakes to a blinding light shining in through the wide windows, his body all but sluggish, as are his thoughts. His brain feels like mush and his head is pounding like someone is playing the drums in there somewhere. At least his stomach is somewhat alright and only craving something greasy to eat.

 

With a groan, Alec lifts himself off the couch where he fell asleep (and he's pretty sure his back is going to complain later), noticing that he is still in the clothes he wore to the party last night. Sighing, he decides to take a shower first. With wobbly legs he makes his way into his en-suite and under the hot stream of water where his mind goes over the events of last night and Izzy's words. Deep down he knows she's right. They don't have to go back to their old relationship - whatever that had been - or become best friends but they should at least be able to be in the same room without jumping each others' throats. But for that to happen they would be required to talk things out and come to some agreement.

 

That thought alone is enough for bile to rise and the next second Alec is standing in his shower, hands on his knees as he heaves out the remains of last night's dinner - pasta with pesto rosso - and a fluid that smells as Alec would imagine someone dead to smell like. Well, at least he is already in the shower and doesn't need to clean up that much. What a nice win-win situation.

 

 

All dressed in fresh clothes Alec prepares his hangover-breakfast which consists of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, coffee and a glass of orange juice. He hasn't had a look at his phone ever since he had hung up on Izzy rather rudely. He probably should call and apologise. It wasn't her fault the evening had gone so poorly and she was right after all, it's time for them to finally make up.

 

He picks up his phone from the counter, deciding to call her while devouring the delicious breakfast he has conjured up. One look at the screen, however, let's him forget about making amends with his sister.

 

 

It's well after noon, so there's nothing out of the ordinary with his manager having called twice already. It is strange, however, to have three missed calls from Simon given that they never talk on the phone (they barely ever text so why talk on the phone?).

 

Alec decides to ignore that weird feeling in his stomach and hits call. The phone rings twice before he is greeted by the usual singsong of formalities and two minutes later, after answering Clary's very pressing questions about his personal life, he is finally listening to Aline, his manager/agent.

 

"Alec, I'm glad you called. I've tried to reach you earlier, but well." She starts without giving him a chance to even say 'hello'. "Luke Garroway called this morning, requesting for a meeting with us."

 

Ah, that would explain the missed calls from Simon. Alec gulps heavily, a thousand questions running through his mind, the most prominent being 'Why?'

 

He doesn't receive an answer, however, since Aline is as much in the dark as he is. With knots tying in his stomach he agrees eventually, be it reluctantly.

 

The next few days until the meeting Alec spends in a state of constant worry, barely able to distract himself from  constantly overthinking, growing more anxious by the day. He comes up with the wildest theories as to why Luke Garroway, _Silent City_ 's former and Simon's current manager, requested a meeting that includes him, of all people.

 

 

The night before the meeting, Alec doesn't sleep at all, tossing and turning on his mattress, tangling the sheets all around his legs until he deems it useless to even try and gets up instead.

 

The apartment is silent, not even the never dying sounds from the always busy streets of New York reaching up to the 7th floor. It's dark, the only source of light being the billboard opposite to the building (which is luckily positioned a few stories lower than Alec's apartment, so it's just a few rays of light shining through the wide windows).

 

With a deep sigh, Alec flicks on the light in the kitchen and busies himself with brewing a fresh pot of coffee. He can't sleep anyway, he might as well torture his body with an overdose of caffeine.

 

While Alec gulps down half the cup as he sits on the balcony, there are a thousand questions running through his head (again). They start with why and go further into detail later. Who is going to be there? Is it just going to be Luke, Aline and him or will Simon be there too? What about Raphael? And -

 

Oh shit no. Please, no.

 

The thought of Magnus joining their meeting as well makes his anxiety spike up to a whole new level. Suddenly he craves for a cigarette between his lips, inhaling its toxic smoke, something that hasn't happened in years.

 

He sits it out for another ten minutes before he puts on his leather jacket and boots and rushes out and down the street to the next 24h convenience store to buy a pack of Marlboros. He silently curses himself the entire time but doesn't make an attempt to turn around and walk back to his apartment either.

 

Back on the balcony he lights the first cigarette he's about to have after years of not having even touched one with his newly purchased lighter. Carefully, he puts it between his lips.

 

The first drag is nothing but disgusting, the smoke itching and scratching his throat, causing a violent cough to rip through his lungs. But a few drags later and it's like he has never stopped.

 

Well, fuck.

 

Rationally he knows that smoking only fuels anxiety, especially in combination with caffeine. But for the moment it seems to have a rather calming effect on him.

 

He snips the cigarette butt off the balcony and, in the same motion, lights another one. It's incredible how old habits you thought had died are still internalized.

 

 

He scoffs at that thought before he falls back in to the crappy aluminium chair that is part of the balcony's rather sparse furniture.

 

The rest of the night up until the early morning hours, Alec spends mulling over the probability of Magnus being part of that meeting. Not knowing what that meeting could be about turns out to be quite a hurdle and make it impossible to guess.

 

Of course he has come up with a few theories of the meeting's purpose. For one, Luke and Simon could want a negotiation over the rights of the albums or songs they have published together. Another theory he has come up with is Alec being asked to promote Simon's new album on his social media and such (why they'd choose Alec out of all people, he doesn't know. But nothing right now does make any sense, so why not?).

 

If Simon wants the rights for their old songs the chance of Magnus being there would be slim. Since they've made up the topic has probably come up already so there's no need for him to be there, same goes for Raphael. Slim doesn't mean it's entirely impossible for Magnus to be there, though.

 

Alec promoting Simon's album doesn't require Magnus's nor Raphael's presence at all. Unless Simon wants to ask them all. But again, Simon, Raphael and Magnus seem to be best buddies again, so he could've asked them already.

 

He wants to ask Izzy since she must be filled in on everything that's happening in Simon's life. But she has more often than not asked him and Simon to keep her out of the entire affair, so there is no way she knows what's actually going on either.

 

***

 

It is quite fortunate that the meeting is set for eleven, giving Alec a chance to let go of his worries for the rest of the day.

 

He meets with Aline in the coffee shop next to the huge office building one hour before the stipulated time Luke and Simon asked them to come by.

 

Aline does most of the talking, going on about her and her girlfriend's plans for vacation. Despite his inner turmoil, Alec smiles as he listens. He's happy for Aline. It's obvious how in love she is, it's almost sickening (but in a good way).

 

Her content demeanour helps keeping his anxiety at bay and lets him forget what is yet to come, even if it's only for a moment.

 

They empty their cups (it's Alec's sixth cup of coffee of today) and get ready to face whatever is waiting for them behind the slick glass doors the offices and conference rooms lie behind.

 

They are met by Luke in the overall minimalistic foyer. Alec's heart speeds up again, the familiarity of it all leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Luke regards them with a sincere smile as he motions for them to follow him.

 

The conference room is empty, save for Simon who's seated at the end of the huge wooden table, nervously chewing his lower lip. He startles when the door is opened and Alec enters, followed by Aline and Luke. Relief washes over Alec, Raphael and Magnus are nowhere in sight so he has nothing to worry about, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Luke tells them to take a seat before he turns around, ready to walk out the door again and Alec swears he hears Luke muttering something like "of course they're late" under his breath.

 

Alec freezes. So it's not just going to be Simon, Luke, Aline and him? His mind goes a hundred miles an hour, thinking of other people, apart from Raphael and Magnus, who'd possibly want to make business with him and Simon. He comes up empty and suddenly there's bile rising in his throat.

 

What the hell is going on?

 

His glance falls on Simon who still has this bright, yet seemingly fake, smile plastered  all over his face. That just can't mean anything good.

 

The silence filling the room is about to become awkward (or better say more awkward than it already is) when footsteps  and muffled voices can be heard outside the door. Alec braces himself, already having an inkling of who is about to enter the room in the next second.

 

But nothing could have prepared him for Magnus entering the room, oozing with confidence, dressed in a loose maroon shirt with gold accents, his eye make-up matching the colour scheme. His hair is styled in a quiff, a few strands dyed blond. If it weren't Magnus, Alec would think of him as good looking, or breath-taking even. But there's no way he will ever allow himself to think of Magnus like that ever again.

 

Raphael trails close behind, dressed in a sharp black suit, not looking excited to be here at all - Alec can relate.  The scowl on his face looks terrifying, even though it's not an unlikely expression on his face and Alec has gotten fairly used to his grim demeanour. But this one is on a whole other level.

 

Catarina, one of Magnus' best friends and his and Raphael's manager, enters behind them as Luke closes the door. Alec grips his chair's armrests tightly, discomfort growing.

He notices Magnus smiling at Simon, walking towards him to greet him with a firm handshake, Raphael following suit, while ignoring Alec's presence entirely.  He gulps heavily.

 

It doesn't help that Magnus takes the seat on the opposite side of the table, right in front of Alec. He doesn't spare him any glance, however. It's like someone has stabbed Alec right between his ribs, the pain even worse than the night of the party.

 

"Thanks for coming today." Luke says with his calm voice. Magnus and Raphael both nod and to Alec it seems like they know what this is about and only he has been left in the dark. It shouldn't bother him as much, how should they have filled him in when all he does is shut them out. Well, Simon mainly since Raphael and Magnus cut off all contact to him.

 

"Sorry Luke, but what exactly is the purpose of -" Alec begins to speak before Luke can continue, waving his hands through the air "this?" It comes out way grumpier than intended, earning him  a huff coming from Magnus' side.

 

Luke, on the other hand shoots him a friendly smile, "Sure, I hoped Simon would have talked this through with you. But I understand your relationship is a little... complicated at the moment." Alec nods, anxiously biting his lip, trying not to let his emotions show.

 

"We've been discussing this for some time now. For various reasons, the label has requested for a revival of _Silent City_."

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec struggles after the revelation and ends up taking a walk down memory lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait. Life happened and yeah. I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> I also apologise in advance for any mistakes I probably made along the way of writing this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you all for leaving comments and kudos, they're very much appreciated and never fail to lift my mood :)

"What?!"  Alec's hold around the armrest's tightens, his knuckles going white, his face losing all its colour. Out of all the things Luke could've asked him here for, this is without a doubt the worst outcome.

 

"Though no one's going to force you to agree, we'd really appreciate the commitment."

 

It is painfully silent for a moment, Alec letting Luke's words sink in. The silence from all other participants only confirms Alec's suspicion that he's the only one who hasn't been filled in up until now. 

 

What makes them believe he'd agree to something so stupid so easily? Or agree at all? Why would he put himself into such an uncomfortable situation willingly? They can't possibly think he'd look past everything that has happened, forget everything.

 

Sure, he could use the money. But there are easier, less painful ways to make a living, even now, that his music career is near to non-existent. They can't think of him as this desperate.

 

"Come on, or do you have anything better to do?" Well, seems like they can and do. Alec glances through the room, Raphael glaring at him, the daggers shooting from his eyes sending a shudder down Alec's spine, while Magnus inspects his nails, looking utterly bored. Alec's gaze drops.

 

"Told you." Magnus mumbles when Alec remains silent, his jaw set tight. He doesn't need to look up to see Magnus' infamous eye roll, he practically hears it.

 

Aline is about to say something and Alec knows he should let her do all the talking. He shouldn't let his anger and frustration show. Not here, not during an official business meeting. And it shouldn't be as much of a problem for him as it is now, since he is usually the calm and collected one, even when anger is flaring up on the inside. But with Magnus in the same room it seems like that ability of his is suddenly non-existent.

 

"And why the hell would I agree to that?" Alec barks out before Aline gets the chance to get out whatever it is she wants to say, his voice is dripping with as much acid as the look Raphael levels him with is.

 

"So you _have_ something better to do." Magnus says lazily, still not bothering to look up from his nail-inspecting.

 

“Yeah,” Alec bites back, “not like that's any of your business. This was nice, have a good day.” The room is silent as he pushes out of his seat - the only sound audible being Simon's sigh of defeat - and heads for the door.

 

He can't even tell what irks him more – their seemingly unaffected demeanour throughout the entire ordeal, or that they expect him to be so desperate to get out there again that he'd blindly agree to whatever their offering is.

 

What the hell were they thinking? They can't possibly be that self-assured that they seriously think Alec would agree to spend an unnecessary amount of time together with them in a studio, and then later on tour. On a tour bus. Where, even under normal circumstances, relationships go to die. Being around the same people 24/7 can really put a strain on things. Alec had been witness to that before, and he has absolutely no desire to repeat that experience with people who want to jump his throat at any given chance already. It would only worsen their, already, disastrous 'relationship'.

 

Besides, he doesn't care about his career all that much. He's been in the business for the music and not for anything else. He can make a living without having to bring out a new album every two years.

 

 

Aline follows him close behind as he escapes the suffocating office walls, fuming just as much – just not for the same reasons as Alec.

 

"What the fuck, Alec?" Aline reprimands as they're trapped in the elevator together. Of course, Aline wouldn't just let this go. She's his manager after all. She's the one supposed to negotiate and argue for him while he sits by, listening politely. But this is far too personal to him to just sit and watch and listen to the others' remarks, without batting an eye.

 

She lets him go after a ten minute lecture and he's never been happier to return  to his apartment, his safe-space, in solitude. He picks up a bottle of scotch from his frequented liquor store - Alec used to be not much of a drinker but oh, how things have changed - and a lot of junk food from the next grocery store. Enough, to last him for a week before he has to leave the apartment again.

 

Back at home the first thing he does is pour himself a generous glass of whiskey before he slumps down into one of the dining chairs, tapping his foot restlessly.

 

What the fuck just happened?

 

Now that he thinks about it, this entire day - no, scratch that - this entire week seems utterly surreal and if he could, he'd rewind, never go to that party and just lock himself away from everyone for a while.

 

Sadly that's impossible, alas he has no other option but to suffer through whatever this is.

 

He sits there for a while, staring blankly at the grey walls, sipping on his whiskey while questioning himself. Did he really throw a fit in front of everyone? Did he really leave them there without talking it out?

 

He scoffs at the thought. 'Talking it out' sure, as if that's ever going to happen. They're all far too stuck up and stubborn to talk out stuff like this. They always have been. Maybe that's one of the reasons it had to end.

 

Most possibly it is.

 

He drags himself out on to the balcony, the pack of _Marlboros_ still sitting on the small aluminium table. He snatches a smoke and lights it before he can even think about it. With the help of the cigarette, the alcohol gets to his head far quicker than it usually does.

 

He blames his next action entirely on that phenomenon. Why else would he take his phone out of his pocket and call the one person that used to show give him the cold shoulder for being true to himself?

 

Okay, perhaps he's being a little overdramatic here, he'd do it anyway. They have left that disagreement behind them some time ago. And she's been supportive of him ever since.

 

It's weird really, up until his 25th birthday  he'd never considered himself someone to confide in his mother, especially after everything that had been said between them. But she redeemed herself slowly, yet successfully. And he has learned to trust his mother again.

 

"Alec baby?" Her voice is soft and Alec can picture the worry etched on her face. The way she speaks, the way she lets her worries show is such a stark contrast to the stone faced, emotionless woman she once used to be.

 

Growing up, Alec had barely ever seen her smile, let alone laugh. And from age 10 to 25 he'd never been hugged by his parents. They'd been absent most days of the year, leaving Alec and his siblings to fend for themselves. And when they were around, fights over the most trivial things would ensue.

 

Maryse Lightwood is the living proof that people can learn from their mistakes and change, become a better person.

 

Alec recounts the events of the day to her, letting all his anger out, cursing all of them. He goes a little lighter on Simon though, since he's Maryse's son-in-law  and it clearly wouldn't be fair to taint his image, and also because he at least had kept his thoughts to himself and had remained fairly neutral.

 

His mother listens intently, she let's him talk and only interrupts once or twice when he leaves things too vague for anyone who isn't him to understand.

 

It feels good to get everything off his chest, to speak the thoughts out loud that have been on his mind ever since he'd gotten home from that damned party.

 

She suggests for him take some time to cool down, to contemplate the offer once he's able to think about it rationally and acting less impulsively.

 

Maryse is right, Alec knows she's right. He has always been prone to act on impulse, unwilling to take a step back and think about it rationally (though it really depends on the situation, for he can be the most rational person at times).

 

"How are you?" He asks his mother out of sheer interest, once he's done complaining about his own life. Three years ago, he wouldn't have cared. At least not as genuinely, as he does now. But things have changed for the better.

 

He listens to her with the same interest she has had for him, a few minutes earlier, as she goes on about her friends, Max, the trouble his little brother he has gotten himself into at school and her new-found passion for painting with a smile on his face. It's audible how much happier she is, now that the divorce has finally gone through. And Alec is happy for her.

 

Looking back on it, his parents' marriage had never been one of the happy ones. There had always been arguments and fights over seemingly meaningless things. Sometimes Alec likes to go down the dark road, imagining what his relationship with both his parents had been like if they had divorced earlier. Probably less distant and cold. But what good does it bring to things that have never happened? Right. Nothing.

 

"Would you like to come for breakfast tomorrow? Max has been asking about you a lot lately  and I'd really like to see you too." Her question comes out with a hidden hesitancy that isn't lost on Alec. It almost as if she is scared he is going to decline the offer. It then hits him that he hasn't spend as much time with them as he'd like to and he can't help but feel a little guilty.

 

He accepts the invitation, promising to be at his childhood home - his mother got to keep it after the divorce - at ten the next morning, and decides at the same time that he probably should quit drinking for today.

 

When he hangs up his anger has subdued a little and he spends the rest of the day in front of the TV, watching episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine until he dozes off, the effects of the sleepless night finally taking over.

 

 

***

 

It's still early when Alec wakes up, his back aching from having spend the entire night on the slightly too small couch. He stretches his back, the cracking giving him some sort of satisfaction.

 

After a fresh cup of coffee he sends a text to his mother, telling her that he'll be around earlier with pastries and bread rolls. He'd also bring coffee from the bakery but no coffee is as good as the one his mother's exquisite coffee machine makes.

 

Two hours later Alec pulls up on the drive-way. It still feels weird every time he comes back here. His childhood wasn't traumatic or anything but it wasn't great either. Up until Max was born his parents had never been around and Alec had felt out of place most of the time.

 

He'd tried to be his parents' pleaser but no matter how hard he tried, they only told him to try harder and do better. As the first born of four, there had always been a lot of pressure on his back to step into his parents' footsteps career-wise. So when he'd proclaimed he'd go into the music business instead of going to law school to become a defence attorney, like both his parents, they hadn't been happy at all.

 

They had come around it though, eventually.

 

But this place also holds a lot of happy memories. Memories of carefree days when Izzy, Jace and he had spend hours in the huge garden, going on adventures as pirates who'd been trapped on a deserted island, fending for their lives.

 

He steps out of the car and walks towards the massive wooden door that, as a kid, he always thought of as a gate, guarding a castle. As he rings the doorbell, a wave of nostalgia washes over him - though it hasn't even been _that_ long since he his last visit.

 

A couple of seconds later the door opens, revealing Maryse behind it. Her dark long hair cascades down her back, something she'd rarely let happen when they were all children still. Back then she'd always worn it up in a bun or ponytail, underlining her firm facial features and her 'no failure allowed' policy. Alec sees it as yet another symbolism of her new-found happiness.

 

He is pulled it into a tight hug, one that he melts in, the peck on his cheek feeling like yet another warm welcome. He lets himself be pulled into the wide kitchen, dropping the bags filled with pastries onto the counter.

 

They set the table in a comfortable silence while soft music plays in the background. When Maryse asks Alec to help him prepare the scrambled eggs, Alec feels like a small boy again. They had done those sort of things together a lot when Alec was still in elementary school - Alec assisting Maryse while she was cooking. He'd taken over smaller tasks, like forming meatballs with his small hands, Maryse taking over the more 'dangerous' tasks.

 

It had been a time where Alec, in hindsight, had had his mother truly for himself, for Izzy was still too small and clumsy to assist as well, and Jace hadn't moved in with them yet. And most importantly, both his parents had been around, taking turns in watching the children. That had changed, of course. And for the next couple of years he'd tried to get things back to how they were, too young and naïve to understand that this wasn't anything in his power. And so he had turned to the one thing that he hoped would guarantee his parents' recognition: pleasing them in every way possible – to no avail though.

 

He never blamed Jace for suddenly getting all of his parents' attention. He never blamed him for being the family's golden boy, never doing anything wrong while Alec was being blamed and chided for basically everything he did. How could he? Jace was - and still is to this day - his best friend and brother in every sense of the word (except for blood, but blood doesn't always matter when it comes to family, does it?).

 

Alec smiles as Maryse hums along to the 80s song playing over the stereo, cutting tomatoes as she moves her hips to the beat. A laugh bubbles up in Alec's throat and finds its way out. Maryse joins in and suddenly Alec finds himself lighter than he has been in days.

 

It's the simple things that can brighten up the whole day, Alec realises with a smile on his face.

 

Ten minutes later, as Alec plates the scrambled eggs, Maryse calls out for Max to come down who then shuffles down the stairs, greeting Alec with a short embrace.

 

With 16, Max is the youngest Lightwood and while his siblings are far older than he, they love him just as much. They had spent a good amount of their teen years looking after their baby brother and while others would have been annoyed they quite enjoyed it. To be fair, it hadn't always been easy. But they had made the best out of it.

 

"Hey, buddy." Alec returns the hug, patting his brothers back lightly.

 

They settle around the wooden dinner table and dig in. For a while it's silent, the radio providing some background noise. And Alec takes the time to appreciate his mother's and brother's presence. A few years back this would have gone much differently.

 

"Mum told me you hacked into the school computers again?" Alec grins at Max. It isn't the first time Max has made use of his advanced scientific knowledge. And it makes Alec quite proud, even though Max gets in trouble more often than not, to have such an intelligent brother.

 

"Yeah . . ." Max drawls out, trying to hide his smirk behind a slice of toast as he shrugs nonchalantly. Clearly, Maryse isn't as pleased as Max.  She shakes her head in exasperation, rolling her eyes.

 

"How much did you get?"

 

"Grounded for two weeks, suspended for one." Max grumbles, eyes trained on the plate before him. Alec chuckles, shaking his head fondly.

 

"Well, that sucks for you." Alec's grin turns mischievous, earning himself a kick against the shin.

 

"How about you? Mum said something about some deal with Simon and the rest." And with that, the grin on Alec's face drops.

 

"A deal I didn't accept." He waves it off with his hand, as if seeing Magnus again, being wanted - more or less - in the other's life again has no effect on him whatsoever.

 

"I think you should." Alec searches his brother's face for any indication of a joke. Obviously, Max had been too young to understand what was going on when they fell apart. Of course he knows of Alec's hostile disposition towards Magnus. But he has no idea how deep rooted it really it is, or how bad it really hurt - and still does, now that the wound has been ripped open again.

 

"Yeah? And why is that?” Alec bites back, the good mood from earlier gone in an instant.

 

"Because, brother dearest, you could use something new to take on." Max says calmly., not letting Alec's ice cold voice get to him. " You've been sitting in your apartment, brooding 24/7 for far too long. And when was the last time you last did anything music related? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get yourself out there again." 

 

Alec feels anger rising in his chest. How dare Max coming at him like that when he has no idea what _actually_ happened. And how dare he, pretending like it's the easiest thing in the world, when clearly it's not something that can be resolved with a simple 'sorry'?

 

And besides, he came here to forget about that crap and not to be reminded of the worst thing he could probably agree to. Seriously, selling his soul to the devil would probably be a better deal than going back to recording songs with his former band mates (okay, he's being overdramatic again, but he can think of at least 100 things he'd rather do).

 

"Max!" Maryse snaps "Leave your brother alone." Alec shoots her a grateful smile, ignoring Max's grumble. "But I agree with your brother. You should do something that makes you happy. And right now, being holed up in your apartment all day, isn't doing that."

 

Alec sighs exasperatedly. Can't people get off his back, just once? Is that too much to ask for? From his own family no less? He _is_ happy. Very much so. And he's not just sitting around doing nothing all day. He's writing on a book, something that requires him to spend a lot of time at home, thank you very much.

 

Okay, maybe the last week hasn't been that great. But that is solely to blame on Magnus.

 

He knows better than to cross his mother, though. So he just nods politely, inwardly praying for them to let it go.

 

"I've been cleaning out the attic earlier this week. I want to give some of the old stuff away to Goodwill, if you want to you can look through the things and save some of them."

 

Alec sends a quick thanks out to all deities there are for his hearing his prayer, before he tells his mother he'd love to. Going down memory lane surely won't hurt, right?

 

They clear the table and as Maryse sentences Max to cleaning duty, Alec makes his way up to the attic.

 

It's dark and dusty, the only window being covered by a blind, sunlight filtering in around the edges. It's quite eerie up here as it is. And the fact that his father used to tell him and his siblings stories of ghosts inhabiting this very attic, scaring everyone who comes up here away, doesn't help.

 

He knows of course that his father just made them up. And he's a little too old to believe in ghost stories.

 

But climbing the wooden ladder and pushing himself through the hatch in the attics floor, being surrounded by its skewed walls, makes him feel like a child again, eager to explore all the secrets that lie hidden behind the 'mystery door'. Though now he has to duck a little in order not to bump his head on the ceiling.

 

He flicks on the light - a bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Boxes upon boxes are filling the claustrophobic room, some have clearly been opened not that long ago. He starts with the one labelled 'Alec', not quite sure what to expect.

 

He pulls out a lot of stuff from his early teen years - an archery trophy he won when he was barely 14, a New York Rangers hockey jersey, books he had once admired, tapes and CDs by angsty bands, hockey and band posters, as well as framed pictures showing he and his siblings, all in midst of puberty and awfully dressed. He smiles to himself, remembering the hot summer days they had spent at the public pool together, Jace showing off in an attempt to impress some girls.

 

He digs down deeper, prying out a stack of photographs that were taken in his early twenties (why his mother has them he has no idea). He cringes slightly at how long his hair is in the first one, showing him leaning against a brick wall, his eyes fixed on something - or someone - behind the camera. His smile seems free, careless, and . . . enamoured.

 

Alec has no doubt that that someone behind the camera was actually Magnus. That picture must have been taken during one of Magnus' artistic phases where he had snapped a picture of everything and everyone, calling them an inspiration for whatever he needed inspiration for.

 

The next picture shows Raphael, Simon, Alec, and Magnus. They're all seated on a couch, leaning back casually. At first glance, it doesn't look suspicious at all. But at a closer look, it's easy to spot  _how_ close exactly Magnus and Alec used to be.

 

Magnus has his arm draped over Alec's shoulder, who is leaning into the embrace, his eyes not sparing the camera any attention. He doesn't look into Magnus' eyes, per-Se. But his attention is drawn to the older man holding him close. And there is admiration written all over his face.

 

Damn, he really did a bad job hiding his feelings.

 

Really, Alec can't take amiss in the assumptions and rumours that had circulated the tabloids at that time. As a bystander he would have believed it as well.

 

Hell, he had even believed it himself sometimes. And he had hoped.

 

But it's a tale as old as time, fear of admitting to having feelings for your best friend ruining your friendship being the most prominent barrier of coming clean.

 

In the end though, was it worth it? The hiding, the meaningful, yet over interpreted touches and glances, putting yourself second most of the time, for a reason Alec can't even remember. Was it really worth it? When now he doesn't even have that friendship any more?

 

His heart grows heavy as he swallows past the lump that has built in his throat. His eyes sting and when he wipes them, his hands come away wet. Shit.

 

There is an emptiness clawing inside of him, threatening to swallow him hole. Days when he had had Magnus at his side had been better days. Yes. That much he knows now.

 

He had been less lonely, for one. Less bitter, and more himself. Now, it feels like a part of him is missing.

 

'Nostalgia', he reasons with himself, 'this is nothing but a little nostalgia.' He's been a fool thinking old relics of his life wouldn't hurt to look at. Or bring back painful memories. So this, this little outbreak makes perfect sense.

 

He puts the pictures away, not sure if he'd be ready to be confronted with a lot more intimacy between them. He does, however, sort them onto the pile of things he wants to take home with him.

 

He finds a diary, which he doesn't dare to open, a bundle of movie tickets held together with rubber band, a worn out music manuscript book, and -

 

Oh.

 

On the bottom of the box he finds a stack of magazines, the band being featured in all of them, luring dozens and dozens of teenagers in with exclusive interviews of the 'skyrocketing newcomer band'. Carefully, he takes them out, his breath lodging in his throat. He doesn't open any of them. If that one picture already made him tear up, then what is going to happen if he reads through all the long forgotten interviews?

 

That's the thing with spending a part of your life standing in the limelight. It's all documented somewhere, whether you like it or not. And not just your professional life, your personal as well.

 

He strokes his fingers over the cover of the magazine on top, showing Simon, Raphael, Magnus, and Alec posing in a laid back way. 'Silent City: the newcomer rock stars up close and personal' the headline reads. He cringes a little reading it, really how come those headlines always sound so . . . unauthentic? Though it does help a little to get his emotions back in control.

 

With a shaky breath, he puts them down, hesitating a little as he sorts them onto the 'take home' pile.

 

 He rummages some more through the dusty cardboard boxes, finding mementos from his youth here and there, deeming only a few of them worth keeping. 

 

He has searched through almost the entire attic, when he finds it. In the far back, hidden behind a box of clothes and a framed painting - one that once used to decorate the living room's wall - he stumbles upon that one thing that had kick started his obsession with music, or rather say being able to produce music perfectly.

 

He recognises the black, coated in dust, case in an instant. He doesn't need to open it to know what it hides inside. The Martin D-15M had been his very first guitar he owned, his parents had given it to him as a present for Christmas. While he was very familiar with the piano already, his real passion for music had come when he learned to play _Karma Police_ by _Radiohead_ \- the first song he ever played on guitar. Where this obsession with that particular song had come from, he still has no idea.

 

He does, however, know that there is no way he is going to leave this precious up here to rot away. Grabbing the guitar case with both his hands, he saves it from its doom and drags it down the ladder, along with all the other mementos.

 

***

 

It's almost five as Alec steps in through the door to his apartment, two bags slung over his shoulders and the guitar case in hand.

 

He'd helped Maryse with the grocery shopping, and ate lunch with her at a small café afterwards. They'd chatted about this and that, keeping the conversation light.

 

When he'd announced it was time for him to go home, she had packed him a bunch of leftovers. And with a kiss to his cheek and the promise he'd come by soon again, she had let him go.

 

It had helped to get his mind off of things and he feels better than he has in the past week. Now that he is alone again, though, the thoughts heavy with longing for the past, and regret, threaten to step back into the foreground of his mind.

 

He empties the bags - the leftovers go into the freezer and the magazines, photographs, music sheets and books he places on the coffee table in the living room, not ready to go through them just yet - and puts the guitar in a guitar stand right beside the sofa.

 

Dinner is rather uneventful, which hasn't got anything to do with Maryse's special lasagne he heated up in the oven, it's delicious. He eats on the sofa, the TV running for background noise all while the remnants of his old life stare at him, waiting for him to go through them, to remind him of what he once had and probably will never get back.

 

He scoffs and puts the plate down, he's being ridiculous.

 

Maybe it's to prove a point, maybe it's because he likes to push himself, or maybe it's just because he misses playing on the wooden instrument - whatever it is, it urges him to reach out. And as he does so, he grabs the acoustic guitar off its stand and gently puts it down on his thigh.

 

One minute, or so, of tuning later and the guitar is ready to be use (though it could really use some new strings).

 

He closes his eyes, placing his fingers in position and he plays the first chord. Another, another and another.

 

In a matter of seconds he turns into that twelve year old boy again, amazed by what his fingers can do. He knows the chords by heart, has them burned into his brain, even after months of not playing that very song.

 

_Karma police_

_Arrest this man_

_He talks in maths_

_He buzzes like a fridge_

_He's like a detuned radio_

 

The words come out quietly at first, it's more of a hum than anything else. His voice gains more strength as the verse goes on and by the time he reaches the chorus, he is singing to his heart's content. It doesn't sound that great, there's a reason why Magnus was their lead singer, but he doesn't care. This, this is why loves doing music so much. It makes him feel secure and invincible, the melody wrapping itself around him, like a warm blanket, welcoming him back home.

 

_Karma police_

_I've given all I can, it's not enough_

_I've given all I can, but we're still on the payroll_

 

His voice cracks, his heart clenching painfully.

 

While this had been the first song he'd ever learned to play, it had also been the song Magnus and he had bonded over. And with everything going on right now, those memories come rushing back to him, flooding his brain, completely overwhelming him.

 

_For a minute there_

_I lost myself, I lost myself_

_I lost myself_

 

He plucks the guitar off his lap, attempting to stop the tears from blurring his view. _This is not worth crying over. Absolutely not._

 

Pouring himself a glass of whiskey (what else?), he opens the balcony door, inhaling the sweet air of spring.

 The days are becoming longer already and soon the sun won't set before 8 in the evening. As much as he likes the cosy darkness of winter, he looks forward to the warm summer nights where you can sit outside till late in the night, the last rays of the setting sun providing a magical glow in the sky.

 

He takes a sip, the ember liquid burning down his throat, as he is leaning against the doorframe. The cool breeze blowing over his skin, and rustling through his hair helps easing his thoughts and grounding him in reality.

 

With a shaky inhale he turns away, eyes falling on the coffee table which is littered with all the things he brought home. He throws the entire tumbler's content down his throat before he falls back onto the couch.

 

For a minute, he just stares down blankly, almost too scared to reach out. And - where to begin with? It's not like he _has_ to look through all of this.   For some unfathomable reason, he can't let it go, though. It's like he's yearning for the already bleeding wounds to rip open even further. 

 

Inhaling deeply, he starts with the stack of pictures he deems safest - they just show him and his siblings having a good time. Some have been taken during their teen years, others more recently (meaning about 4 years ago).

 

When those were taken, they'd all been in a good mood, if the wide smiles on all of their faces are anything to go by. And really, it's contagious. The joyous atmosphere is palpable, even though it's just a photograph Alec is holding in his hands.

 

He doesn't remember exactly when it was taken, it must have been after one of the band's shows, backstage. Izzy and Alec both have their heads thrown back, laughing. The back of his sister's hand is resting against his chest, mid slap. Jace is pouting, and Alec assumes they just made a joke on Jace's behalf, as they did so very often.

 

Alec chuckles to himself but his expression darkens a second later with the realisation how close they all used to be. Now he and Izzy don't share laughs like that any more. They're not estranged, it has all just turned a little more complicated with Simon being married to Izzy and all.

 

Damn. The fight with primarily Magnus - which had then spread over to Simon and Raphael - has infested more than he always liked to believe. Not only has it destroyed friendships (with Alec's closest friends no less), it has also altered the relationship he had with the one person he could always lean on, his sister.

 

He pours another glass, before he moves on to the stack of magazines. Seems like he enjoys to torture himself.

 

He starts off with reading the headlines, deciding that he'll only look at those that don't seem to fuel the negative emotions all that much.

 

It turns out to be far much of a challenge to find those, for most of the magazines he bought post-break up.

 

He'd never strived for fame, he'd never cared too much about what the tabloids were writing about him, up until one point. Up until the rumours were spreading. And then when everyone was talking about Magnus's and Alec's apparent break up (which had ultimately caused the band to split, according to the rumour factory – though they weren't that far off with their theory),  buying those magazines had turned into an unhealthy obsession.

 

_Silent City: was the break up inevitable?_ , he reads and tosses the magazine over the coffee table and onto the floor. It's funny, the tabloids all sound so self-assured, as if they had been first-hand witnesses to the band's doom.

 

_Silent City: former lead singer Magnus bane talks post-break up plans, friendship and heartbreak._

_"It felt like breaking up with a significant other"_

 

The last one in particular had had the gossip mill spinning, everyone coming up with surreal theories - which all had one thing in common: a loving relationship between Magnus and Alec which had eventually come to a tragic end, taking the band down with them.

 

The problem is, they're not that wrong. They both, Alec as much as Magnus, had allowed their personal life to interfere with their professional life. Maybe that's the reason Alec can't stand to read all that crap, all the speculations, for he is then reminded that he is, in fact, at fault.

 

He moves on to earlier issues, the ones that feature them with 'boy band smiles' and seductive scowls on their covers, the ones where they talk about their origins, how success took them by surprise (it really did), and give answers to questions fans were thirsting for to hear.

 

Though he doesn't want to, he opens one and skims through the glossy pages. This magazine in particular prided itself with a 4 page special, giving an insight in their lives on tour, two pages are showing a collage of pictures, featuring Simon, Raphael, Magnus, and Alec, while the other to pages feature an interview.

 

He focuses on the pages plastered with pictures with them, his heart hammering against his ribcage uncomfortably.

In one picture, Alec is sitting on the upper half of the bunk bed in the tour bus, his back leaning against the wall. A playful smirk is playing around his lips, his eyes are fixed on Magnus who is standing opposite to him, arms crossed in front of his chest, pouting.

 

Alec remembers that moment like it was yesterday. It had been one day before their show in San Francisco, their very first west coast show. They had just arrived and were all worn out from the flight, the three hour time difference didn't exactly help.

 

Their usual teasing had doubled and while Raphael had been moody and even grumpier than what was his default, Alec and Magnus had been giddy. Seconds before the picture was taken, they had wrestled for the top bunk (the one available double bed had been taken by Raphael and no one had dared to argue with him).

 

Knowing Magnus's weak spot, Alec had used it to his own advantage by disarming him with a few pokes to his sides and lower back.

 

 In the end, however, they had all - Raphael, Simon, Magnus, and he - fallen asleep on the double bed after a drunken night out, a picture of that also featured in the magazine. Magnus lies snuggled close to Alec, face hiding the crook of Alec's neck, while Alec, who is sandwiched between Magnus and Simon, has his arm slung loosely around the former's  trunk.

 

Alec chuckles, ignoring the stab of pain tormenting his chest. They had been tight-knit, no doubt. But even in his most confident moments, Alec had never been - and still isn't - one to show physical affection, especially under the watchful eyes of the public. In sleep, however, he didn't give a damn it seems.

 

He doesn't remember who gave the okay for this intimate picture in particular to be included. But he's pretty sure it wasn't him.

 

Alec skims over the other pictures, his heart growing heavier with every smile, every head thrown back in laughter he has to look at. The fondness and love they all once felt for one another is conspicuous and almost palpable in these pictures.

 

It dawns Alec how much he has changed, the pics make it obvious. Along the way of growing into the man he is now, he has lost this - this carefree, loving life attitude.

 

Max's words from earlier this day replay in his mind. _Stop feeling sorry for yourself_. But that's not what he does, is it?

 

He has been hurt. He has hurt other people, people he had once called friends. And for that he is truly sorry. But that isn't - simply can't be - the reason for his misery.

 

Right?

 

Of course it messed with him. And of course he'd fallen into some sort of slump after everything. But that is completely normal, it must be. Besides, he'd crawled out of that slump years ago.

 

A lot of things have changed for him, that much is true. His life had become lonelier, he'd isolated himself from everyone as much as possible, only participating in social events if absolutely necessary. He'd lost everything, money, friends, his drive, inspiration, everything.

 

If there were a chance to right his wrongs, he'd take it. But what if he missed that chance? What if this offer was the chance and he'd just let it pass, dismissed it without a second thought? Did he just throw away his shot at a fairly normal, less hostile relationship with Magnus and everyone else?

 

What if he could have all that - the friendship, the closeness, that safe space, making music - again?

 

Logically, Alec knows their relationship won't ever go back to the way it used to be. But reconciliation is the first step towards the right direction. And, who knows? Maybe they're granted a second chance at this whole friendship-thing.

 

It's not ideal but you've got to start somewhere. And what else is there to lose - apart from his dignity?

 

He takes a swig straight from the bottle that has been sitting on the coffee table the entire time, savouring the pleasant burn rushing down his throat.

 

His cheeks warm up and he takes another big gulp because, why the hell not?

 

With his thoughts doused in alcohol, he grabs for his phone, going through his contacts.

 

"Aline?" He rushes out as soon as the dial tone stops, not giving his manager to properly greet him. "Set a new meeting with Garroway. I've changed my mind."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
